No posts for a while, but rest assured exciting things are happening. But enjoy this instead:
Rogue: Ok. Total treasure from that wyrmling red dragon was 100 gold. Not much, but we're a low level party and it gave us all a run for our money. So congratulations, all!
Everyone: Huzzah!
Rogue: Now to divide it up. First, the bard. You get nothing.
Bard: What? Why?
Rogue: That song wasn't very inspiring. And it was totally derivative. It's like, the same song everyone is singing on the corner these days.
Paladin: I always put a little in their begging cups. I like their songs.
Wizard: Yeah, but then some start talking about how awesome their patrons are, and how to get the best deals at this or that merchant stall. So annoying.
Sorcerer: Just stick your hands over your ears during those parts. Or only go to the ones with the begging cups. You don't even have to put money in!
Bard: But what about that one bard who's song got adapted into the play everyone went to see, with the art and tapestries based on it that everyone likes. That bard bought a castle!
Rogue: OBVIOUSLY they're a better bard than you! Jeez, don't be so winey.
Everyone else: Yeah!
Fighter: I bet a hundred monkeys at a hundred sheets of vellum could write a better song, anyway.
Rogue: Right. On to barbarian and fighter. You guys get a copper piece each.
Fighter: What? Why?
Barbarian: Yeah. We literally took the most damage in that fight.
Rogue: Uh, we all have hit points and weapons proficiencies, duh.
Ranger: Yeah, you're not doing anything special.
Druid: Besides, there's like 50 other fighters and 25 other barbarians in the tavern waiting to party. We could replace you guys.
Fighter: But I'm trying to save up to go to Eldritch Knight school so I take less damage.
Wizard: Just get a loan.
Fighter: But I have no credit, and it would be expensive.
Rogue: Never mind. Here's you share. Now, paladin, ranger, warlock, and druid each get a silver each.
Paladin: Glorious!
Ranger: Cool!
Druid: Excellent.
Warlock: Cthulhu is pleased.
Fighter: Wait a minute, the paladin was doing pretty much the same thing I was doing. Why does he get more?
Paladin: Because I had to go to paladin school to learn how to paladin, duh.
Barbarian: And the ranger's animal companion did all the work.
Ranger: Have you tried training an animal companion? It's hard work.
Rogue: And besides, didn't the druid heal you guys that one time?
Druid: I totally did!
Warlock: Cthulhu says this all seems fair.
Rogue: Right, here you go. Ok. Cleric, wizard and sorcerer, you each get a gold piece.
Druid and Paladin: What?
Paladin: Yeah, we took more damage.
Cleric: But I had to go to cleric school, which is way harder than paladin school. And because of that, I'm a better healer.
Fighter: Yeah. You saw that one time he restored both of my kidneys after the dragon ripped them out.
Paladin: But I kept you alive until the cleric could get to you.
Wizard: Ok, both of you shut up. Why does the sorcerer get as much as me? I had to go to wizard school for like eight years. He was just born able to shoot fireballs.
Sorcerer: It's because my ancestors were special. You know when you're ancestors are special you just deserve more. It's common knowledge.
Rogue: That's right, wizard. His ancestors were special.
Everyone grumbles and begins to examine their payment.
The ranger, who is an elf, and the warlock, who is a tiefling, have finished examining their treasure.
Ranger: Hey, wait a minute. This silver was minted in the next kingdom over.
Warlock: According to Cthulhu, that kingdom is experiencing much turmoil.
Ranger: Right, it's been overrun by an orcish horde. So their currency has an unfavorable exchange rate in this kingdom.
Warlock: According to Cthulhu, their currency is worth only 70% of local currency.
Wizard. who is a woman, looks up.
Wizard: Right! You gave me a gold piece from that same kingdom! What gives!
Fighter, a dwarf AND a woman also looks up.
Fighter: I got it even worse. This was minted by the orcish horde's provisional government. It's barely worth half a copper piece at the current exchange rates.
Sorcerer: Come on, it's based on the weight of the metal in the coin, not the currency's value.
Bard: No it isn't. The tri-kingdom area adopted a treaty to move away from out-dated metal-value standards to reduce volatility in the markets.
Wizard: Impressive, bard.
Bard: I took proficiency in history!
Barbarian: Yeah, we all take an elective. I was just double-checking some math with the druid here.
Rogue: Really?
Druid: You never mentioned how much you're getting.
Wizard: Yeah. That's 96 gold, 5 silver, and 8 copper unaccounted for.
Rogue: That's my share, duh.
Sorcerer: But you're ancestors are not special.
Paladin: Yeah, and I took a rogue elective in paladin school so I could get the intimidation skill. Roguing is not hard to do.
Rogue: Hello! I did the most damage.
Fighter: Only because I set you up for that sneak attack.
Rogue: I also took the least damage.
Ranger: Only because you kept trying to hide to set up a sneak attack.
Bard: Yeah. And remember how the dragon had you pinned, but I debuffed its attack with my insult so you could get away.
Rogue: You totally plagiarized that insult, anyway.
Wizard: Yeah, the Monty Python references are getting old.
Warlock: Cthulhu demands we get back to the point at hand. Why does the rogue get to keep all the money?
Everyone else: Yeah!
Rogue: Well, aside from my awesomeness, when I volunteered to keep the party ledger, none of you objected. It only stands to reason the one handling the money should get the most of it. And besides, I already spent it.
Everyone else: What!?
The town watch surrounds the party.
Rogue: I paid up my taxes. Officers, these people are threatening me, could you please take them into custody?
Officers: Yes, sir!
Fighter: But all our weapons are peace knotted!
Wizard: And we're all out of spell slots!
Officer: Stop resisting arrest! Shall I beat them up?
Rogue: Go ahead.
Warlock: Cthulhu shall not forget this!
Rogue: I thought of that, too.
A young red dragon flies down and lands next to the rogue.
Rogue: This is Terminanthraxus. He's agreed to body guard me for a share of my treasure for the next 10 years.
The officers of the watch take away the rest of the party. The guard captain approaches the rogue.
Captain: Ok, you have the donation money for my re-election campaign, right.
Rogue: Duh!
The rogue hands the captain a bag of gold. The captain pockets it and runs off.
Rogue: Don't worry Teminanthraxus, it's just a fraction of what you got. Let's get out of here.
The monk finally arrives.
Monk: Okay guys, do NOT use that outhouse for a couple of hours. Whew!
Monk looks around.
Monk: Guys. Guys? Where'd everybody go?
